hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
