A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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