i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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