rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
