Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Randomize
