My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
