my phone needs a breathalizer
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
