Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
