I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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