you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
