My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
