My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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