I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
