Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
