i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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