Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
