Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
