What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
