i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
