I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
