i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
