Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
