It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
