1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
