Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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