RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
