Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
