What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Let's get the cat blown out
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
