dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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