o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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