When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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