He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
