I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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