She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
being pregnant is like rehab
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
