I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Vodka?
Forever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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