Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
