There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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