Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
