if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
