I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Semen is not good for contacts.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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