I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
