like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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