i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
