we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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