I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
