When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh god it's open bar.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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