you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
