Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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