I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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