I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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