sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
