oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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