I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
