he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
i will never coherently bang her
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
