just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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