I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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