Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
