You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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