I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
