Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Randomize
