I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
