i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
